Depression...?

          For years and years I've been lazy, unmotivated, and shut in. I've always thought it was just my personality but I remember as a child I wasn't like this. I was happy and productive, I had a lot of friends, my studies were going great. Then came puberty and everything went downhill. My grades slipped, I no longer had a lot of friends, I read books by myself all day and never talk, I did nothing outside of school.

          And now, almost 20 years old, I'm still that way. Before this I've never ever thought there was something wrong with my life, I thought it was my personality. I'm an introvert. Only after I read a reddit comment about how he felt nothing mattered, why bother working his ass off if we're just going to die anyway, and finally going to see a psychiatrist and got diagnosed with depression, only then I thought "oh shit, maybe what I'm going through isn't normal".

          I have no dreams, no aspirations, no will to do anything. I don't want to die, but I don't feel like living either. I'm stuck in this state of feeling like I shouldn't bother with anything, and everything I do is to make my father proud but even he's gone now.

          I've talked to my mother about this. She's diagnosed with schizophrenia and I thought she would understand and take me to a psychiatrist just to see if there's something wrong with me. But nope. Dismissed me completely. You're not depressed, you're normal. You smile all the time. You've always been like this.

          Anyway... I'm probably never seeing a doctor or anything about this. I'll just try to do the best I can.