Reflection

          I'm now in the first semester of my second year. This semester I'm writing a book of letters all about Dad. I'm pretty manipulative as a person, so obviously I know that this will pack a punch. I mean, my dad died of cancer. Give me an A you heartless bastard. But also, writing this thing made me think about all the things that I could've done differently. Starting all the way from my "working" days to the day he left, there were so many things I could have done, so many mistakes I've made.

          As I'm approaching my 21st birthday, I'm once again wishing that he could've been here. How different things would be if he were still alive. All the things he missed and all the things I wish he would know about. Like how I now put on makeup everyday for school. Daddy's never seen me with makeup. And how I chopped off all the red from my hair, and how different I am now than I was then. He didn't see any of that.

           Thinking about all I'm feeling now makes it hard for me to write as if things were still fine, as if nothing happened. I can't write like the person I once was, where I could get anything I wanted with a simple message to Daddy. Everything is harder now, more complicated. I no longer have a parent to take care of everything for me, I only have a parent who relies on me to make the right decisions. Me, who has never had to restrain myself ever before. Me, who used to eat steak once a week because I wanted to. Me, who used to tell friends that money wasn't an issue. Now I'm worse off than most of them, but I don't know how to be that way. I don't know what it is to be poorer.

          Anyway. My point is, it's hard to write as 18 year old me, care free and happy. But I'll figure it out.

Till next time,

Depression, and how to make sure you have it

          I've been looking at symptoms of depression for the past hour, and I'm still not sure what I have is depression. I don't feel sad, I don't feel suicidal, I'm not addicted to substances. However, I'm completely unmotivated, I don't feel a lot of emotions, I have an abnormally small appetite, and I cannot make decisions for the life of me. So what now?

          The right thing to do would be to see a psychiatrist but honestly, that's a lot of money. I have to be absolutely sure before I throw that much money away. I mean, I'm doing fine, I'm passing my assignments, I'm not suicidal in any way shape or form, why waste money if I'm totally surviving? Well... It's just the thought of how everything could be better. Maybe I'm chemically imbalanced and it's distorting my world view, maybe every feeling and emotion can be more than it is now. Maybe I could be a far better person than I am now. It's killing me that I don't know for sure.

          Even if the psychiatrist says there's nothing wrong with me, I'm just a lazy bastard, at least I'd know, I'd be like: Ok, this is just my personality, I'm just lazy and I need to get over it. That's closure. I need to know.

          I've asked my mum about it, she dismisses it. She says I'm totally fine, I'm not depressed. Which frustrated me because she has paranoia and anxiety. Surely that means she knows a bit about how mental illnesses work. Nope, all depressed people are crying and suicidal all the time. Way to generalise mum. I've asked so many times if I could go see a psychiatrist, and get a test done, but no. She doesn't want to waste the money. Argh.

          I've talked about it so much, my great aunt (who is very old fashioned) has offered to pay for the test herself. Obviously I declined because part of asking my mum was so that she could go with me and answer some questions about my behaviour, anything abnormal that I myself don't notice. It doesn't have to be my mum, it can be a friend or whatever, but hey, my mum's gonna pay for it anyway, so it's killing two birds with one stone.

          One day though, I'm gonna have enough of this and just get a friend to go to the hospital with me because I just HAVE to know. I can't go through life second guessing myself. Is this what I want? Or am I just doing this because of the chemicals in my head? (Which is the case whether I have depression or not... Whatever, that's a whole other conversation).

          Anyway... All I'm saying is, I'm willing to pay the hundreds or whatever to have some peace of mind. Problem is, I don't have the thousands.