Reflection

          I'm now in the first semester of my second year. This semester I'm writing a book of letters all about Dad. I'm pretty manipulative as a person, so obviously I know that this will pack a punch. I mean, my dad died of cancer. Give me an A you heartless bastard. But also, writing this thing made me think about all the things that I could've done differently. Starting all the way from my "working" days to the day he left, there were so many things I could have done, so many mistakes I've made.

          As I'm approaching my 21st birthday, I'm once again wishing that he could've been here. How different things would be if he were still alive. All the things he missed and all the things I wish he would know about. Like how I now put on makeup everyday for school. Daddy's never seen me with makeup. And how I chopped off all the red from my hair, and how different I am now than I was then. He didn't see any of that.

           Thinking about all I'm feeling now makes it hard for me to write as if things were still fine, as if nothing happened. I can't write like the person I once was, where I could get anything I wanted with a simple message to Daddy. Everything is harder now, more complicated. I no longer have a parent to take care of everything for me, I only have a parent who relies on me to make the right decisions. Me, who has never had to restrain myself ever before. Me, who used to eat steak once a week because I wanted to. Me, who used to tell friends that money wasn't an issue. Now I'm worse off than most of them, but I don't know how to be that way. I don't know what it is to be poorer.

          Anyway. My point is, it's hard to write as 18 year old me, care free and happy. But I'll figure it out.

Till next time,