I want to
try to explain what my depression is like, on a daily basis.
I usually
sleep from about 6pm to 12am, then stay up until 6pm the next day. I had real
trouble getting out of bed when I followed a regular sleep schedule. I find
that if I’m already out of bed, going to class is a lot easier. Cutting down
the steps makes it easier to do, in my experience. The worse I feel, the more
steps need to be cut. If I’m feeling great, say it’s a party after submissions,
no stress, I would go put together an outfit, brush my teeth, do my hair, do my
makeup, perfume, pick out shoes, then go out the door. So the worse I feel, I
would cut out the outfit, the makeup, the perfume, the shoes, etc. etc. When
the depression kicks in, steps are like obstacles. When I’m alright, steps are
enjoyable little rituals, with feelings of self-improvement. Without
depression, I ENJOY makeup, doing my hair, trying on shoes, etc. Nowadays,
maybe 10% of my life is normal, the rest is all depressed.
Now I
should say, there are different types of depression, the one most people think
of, manic depression, where you cry and self-harm, that comes in waves of maybe
every 3 months, sometimes it’s seasonal, winter depression is a thing. Mine is
chronic depression, or major depression. It’s basically, chemically in my
brain, I lack the ability to feel things, also known as apathy. I don’t feel happy,
sad, etc. Only one I still have is anger, because that’s not really an emotion.
Think of it as flavours, happy and sad are sweet and salty, while anger is
spiciness. Not technically a flavour, if you know what I mean? So with chronic
depression (I like calling it chronic depression because it sounds more
serious. Explains some of my personality I think, attention seeking), it’s a
constant thing. Every month, every day, every year. The very core issue is the
apathy. I don’t care. I CAN’T care. About anything. Everything I do, I do
because I know I’m supposed to. The harder the task, the more I think: why am I
doing this? I don’t care. Logically speaking I know everything a normal person
does, I just can’t feel it. Oh, a friend cares about me? That’s nice. I know I
should feel gratitude, warmth, etc. So that’s what I try to express. Do I feel
it though? No. It makes others feel bad, like they don’t matter, but here’s
more context: My father is my favourite person in the entire world, I want to
be just like him, and I want people to say that I’m just like him. He is the
best, bar none. When he died, I couldn’t even cry. I had to make myself cry so
that my relatives wouldn’t be offended. I’m pretty good at faking emotions, I
can cry super easily, my laughs and smiles are pretty genuine (I think, I never
asked anyone but I think so).
That’s
another thing! I find things funny and sad even though I can’t feel them
myself, imagine you’re watching a sad movie with a bunch of friends, having a
good time: do you feel sad in the movie? Probably yes. Do you actually feel sad
about yourself? I’d guess not. Similarly, imagine you’ve just broken up, or
your family member just died. And you see a funny post online, do you think it’s
funny? Probably. Are you happy with your life? I don’t think so. I find things
funny, I cry at sad things (very easily. But that’s just me, even without
depression). Like watching a movie, I can feel sad for you, if you’re feeling
sad, I can feel sad about you too. But afterwards, am I still sad? No. Sorry, I
don’t mean to, I just can’t care.
What does
this mean for daily life? Let’s take the basics. Eating. What are the steps for
that if I’m feeling ok? I go to the kitchen, see what I can cook, make
something I really enjoy, and eat it. If I’m depressed? I would think: Does it
even matter if I eat? Then sometimes, I just don’t eat. I’ll try to cut down
the steps (as mentioned before) and maybe eat something premade, tuna, or
bread, or order something. But yes, I’ve cut it down to just one meal a day
because more than that, and it will just be too much. Same thing with drinking.
This is why I like buying drinks like bubble tea or whatever, because it kind
of has an expiry date, so I HAVE to finish it before then. Unlike water, which
makes me think: why drink it? What’s the point? What would even happen if I don’t
drink it? Nothing.
Nothing would happen. Nothing matters.
Every
single task is like this. Assignments, class, those are the absolute worst. The
consequences are so inconsequential. So what? If I don’t show up to class? Why
bother? Why does it matter? And all of the STEPS it takes to, for example, go
to class. It’s NEVER worth it. Class comes with so many side effects. Lack of
progress means I have to face the lecturer and tell them: this is all I have.
Sorry. Classmates would see my work, which I’ve done with the absolute minimal
effort (cutting down steps, as mentioned above), so I KNOW it sucks. This will
make me feel bad about my work, my skills, but not bad enough that I would try
to fix it. So it’s just feeling bad with no effect. Unforeseen circumstances as
well, what if some sort of social situation happens and I just short circuit
and do something awkward? I have social anxiety, anxiety sort of comes with
depression usually, so it’s not abnormal. Then my net effect of going to class
would be negative. If I don’t go, net effect stays at zero, and that’s better
than negative.
With all
this though, I KNOW it’s all in my head. I KNOW that going to class is better
for me. I KNOW that it matters. School matters. I matter. But depression means
that I won’t feel that, I won’t believe that. Sort of how if someone
accidentally bumps into you and you fall and spill your things everywhere.
Logically you know it’s just as much your fault as it is theirs, and there’s no
point being angry at them, it won’t fix anything. But you’re angry anyway, and
you’re annoyed you have to pick all your stuff up off the ground. Logically, it
would be best for you to just pick up the stuff and go. But emotionally, you
want to complain to someone, you want to berate the person who bumped into you,
you want them to apologise for what they did. All useless. But that’s what you
want in your head. Think about all the crimes of passion. Feelings overwhelm
people. It’s kind of like that, but opposite? I can tell myself all day that
eating will help keep me healthy, no digestion issues, gives me energy so I don’t
lie in bed all day, but DEPRESSION means: I don’t care. If a truck hits me and
I die, I don’t care. So long as it doesn’t give me more steps, more obstacles,
I don’t care. I’m just trying my best to survive. Do normal things. Anything
else will shatter me. I will short circuit and no longer be able to function.
This is
what’s in my head on loop, always. Super loud, super strong, very persuasive:
why are you doing this? What is the point? Just don’t do anything. Do you even
want to do this? Then why? Does this make you happy? Does it make your life
easier? Then why? If no one else exists, would you still do it? You’re not
doing this for you, so why bother?
Anything I
do. Those are the questions.
It’s
nothing short of crippling. As unbelievable as it seems, me being able to
survive this is already a great feat. For at least 4 years I’ve been dealing
with this, getting worse and worse, till where I am now. Can I still graduate?
Yes. Can I still get a job? Yes. This fuels my apathy even more. I don’t even
NEED to try harder, so why bother? I will graduate. The school wants us to graduate.
Anyway, yes.
Overall: apathy. That’s what I have. I hope it’s easier to understand. You
might see it as me being lazy. But simply getting out of bed takes effort. It
is an illness. Substitute it with, say, a fever, and it’s somehow more
excusable now. Even though depression is so much worse.
This was
written for me to try to explain depression. It’s not meant to be an enjoyable
read, it’s incredibly poorly written, and I’m sorry. I’m usually a lot better.
