Thought about this recently and I figured I'd write it down before I forget. This is about the night before my dad died.
Around 8pm at night, my dad had sudden breathing complications and my uncle, mum, and I think my grandma drove him to the hospital. Me, Mae, and Gene thought about going to the hospital to visit him at around 10pm. Now we weren't panicking much because at this point my dad had been in and out of the hospital pretty constantly, going home as soon as he's allowed (which means he's not fully strong yet), and going back to the hospital a few days later. We thought this was much the same thing. Go to the hospital, spend a few days on IV drips and forced antibodies, then coming home to slowly decay again.
So anyway, yes, I thought it would be a nice surprise to go see dad at the hospital, I did that a lot those few months, dragging my siblings along with me. When we got there, he was happy to see us, but especially said to Gene "wow, it's almost exam and you still came to see me? I'll buy you coffee tomorrow haha". He wasn't fully done being checked out yet but I overheard the doctor saying something like lungs collapsing, not long left. Then I walked away because I figured I shouldn't be hearing this.
The doctor gave him a new oxygen pump and morphine, then we went back home. There was nothing they could do. I knew that, but I didn't tell my siblings. They probably still have no idea. We drove back home in separate cars, grown ups in one car, kids in another. Dad was being overly chirpy, maybe happy that we visited, maybe trying to cheer us up. He was talking about when he got better, let's all go visit Fujian, China, where our ancestors were from. He talked about that a lot. I'll go for him someday.
We went back home, and let him rest. It was 4am the following morning, mere hours after he left the hospital that my mum woke me up and said "hurry, dad's dying". She woke only me, none of my other siblings. So I woke them up and went downstairs to my dad's room. His breathing was laboured, eyes unfocused. I don't know if he could have even heard us. My uncle kept complaining about the poor airflow, as if that could have cured his cancer. We stood there, teary eyes from the old folks, dry eyes from the youngins, and we waited. We said our last words, perhaps more for our sake than his. I held his hand, but didn't say anything. My uncle scorned me for that. "He loved you all more than anything and you don't have anything to say to him?" I try to look past all his actions during those months, grief does things to you, but it's hard to forgive.
My uncle sent Mae off to school around 6am, saying that dad would have wanted her to go. I wasn't brave enough to say no he wouldn't, he never valued school, only effort. So Mae went. He stopped breathing around 7am. I drove to school, crying, or forcing myself to cry, I don't know. She was having an exam, so not in her regular classroom. I went to the teacher's office to tell them I need to find Mae, our dad just died. Condolences all around, but I was still smiling and polite. Probably freaked them out. They got Mae out of the exam hall and we were both stone faced and cracking morbid jokes. "Haha, at least you don't have to take the exam anymore right? Worth it!"
We were laughing when we got home too. I saw my aunts had both just arrived there from the airport. They were too late to see him. I think they might have been bitter about me smiling and waving at them, maybe they were just angry that I could be happy at a time like that. Jokes on them though, I'm never happy so what's the difference?
That was the last day. The months after that were a blur of relatives and funeral proceedings, condolences, being angry about relatives judging me. I don't regret anything I did for those last months. I did as much as I could. More than I could. I wasn't raised like my relatives, my dad didn't raise me like my relatives. He knew me, he was proud of me, and that's all I need to know. Screw those other relatives and their hideously conservative judgement. My dad was dying, my dad just died. I can act how I want. I can throw a tantrum about someone wanting me to drive them to the grocery store when I thought I finally had a free day to myself. That's valid. I don't need them, and I don't need their approval.
Anyway. That's it, bye!
