For the past 6¬ months, I've been watching twitch pretty religiously. It started when I was watching the OTV Rust server with boxbox, then I followed him when he tried out GTARP on NoPixel, started watching some other people, went to Buddha, and ended with Harry. Since then, I've never missed a Harry stream, even though his streams could start at 3am and go until like 10am sometimes, I would watch a bit, go to bed, then wake up and watch the vods. Every stream.
Today, he went on vacation for 2 weeks, and I feel so hollow. This reaction is so disproportionate that I really had to stop myself and think: why am I so sad and empty? The content was never the issue, it was the CONSISTENCY. 5 days a week, I would have something to look forward to, doesn't matter how bad the day is, I could think: Oh, 5 hours left till Harry starts streaming. 5 hours ain't bad, I can get through it. I wake up in the morning and I think: oh cool I better get up, I have a Harry vod to watch. Now, I look at the clock, and it doesn't even matter what time it is, because the wait isn't measured in hours, or even days. It's weeks.
Before this, of course I still did other things, I picked up wire wrapping and bead jewellery a few days ago, I still watch small business youtube channels, I still draw, I make stationery and crafts etc. But all this was just a temporary distraction to waste time until the main event: Harry's stream. These are not long-form distractions. Not something to look forward to, they're something that I do now, for a few hours, and it's done.
I do have to stress, it's not about Harry the streamer or his content specifically, at all. Though of course the content is good. It's about something that is a staple, a highlight in my everyday routine that now is gone. That's what's making me so depressed. I have a permanent lump in my throat, and I am not exaggerating. Every smile is forced, and I'm so easily irritated. Is it even worth finding another daily routine when in 2 weeks he'll be back again? I don't know.
It is only now that I realise what a huge crutch twitch was to me, what an unhealthy coping mechanism, to think that TWITCH is the only reason for me to wake up everyday. How sad is that? And how sad is it that I'm really not exaggerating at all when I say without twitch I might already be dead. How do I live like this? Where every day I don't want to wake up. There's no reason to. In fact there's many reasons NOT to. Waking up means doing work, dealing with people, family members messing with my stuff, more responsibilities that somehow fall on me, bills, chores. And no bright points to look forward to. Why wake up?
