It happened

          My father is dead. May 24, 9.03am, my dad passed away after struggling to breath since 5.30am. It's been... Weird. I cried, I laughed, I sang. I'm now sitting in a room with him, expecting him to sit up and start talking at any moment. It just... Hasn't sunk in yet.

          I'm ok. Which makes me feel guilty. When I laugh, I feel guilty. When I enjoy myself, I feel guilty.

         Chinese people have this thing where if a dead person's eyes don't close, it means they have unfinished business, or worries in this life. My dad's eyes are wide open. All morning we've been trying to tell him not to worry, move on, rest now. Obviously... I'm a rational human being, I know eyelids change a certain way after death. But it still makes me feel uneasy. What if he really is worried and unable to move on?

          This is really... Unexpected. Yesterday night my dad had trouble breathing, so we went to the hospital. He was still talking and all, a bit tired but still very much alive. Then this morning... My mum woke me up. Dad's going, she said. He can't recognise people anymore.

          I was shocked. He said yesterday that he was going to buy me and my brother coffee, for going to visit him at the hospital at 11 at night.

          I don't know. I feel normal. It just doesn't feel real. It hits me at certain points, when I drive his car... When I see his glasses... The waterworks start going mental.

          I don't know. I guess I just wanted to document my thoughts from the day my father died. Me, gene and mae sang somewhere over the rainbow with the ukulele. I didn't say anything before he died. I didn't know what to say.

          Anyway... I'll just be a bit out of it for a while.