Does anybody else pretend to do the things that you think happy people do? In private? Like imagine a movie where a girl's listening to music: she'd bop her head and do little jigs and lip sync with a hairbrush. Logically of course, I know that's for dramatic effect but... Sometimes I sit alone in my room and listen to music and dance around in my chair to see if that makes me feel happier. How sad is that? I don't know. I actively make myself smile because maybe it might make me feel happy. Sort of like, I'm practising how to be a regular person? I'm not completely sure why I do it.
I wanted to post this short thing on my instastory or something but I thought it would be too emo and people would think it was sad.
Saturday, December 29, 2018
Monday, November 5, 2018
Appreciation
I never show my appreciation. It's hard for me to show any kind of emotion at all, really, and not like I'm actively suppressing it or anything I just... Don't feel it, I guess? But in my head I do really appreciate all the things my friends do, things like inviting me to places, offering help, it makes me feel like I have a choice in life, that maybe I don't have to do it by myself. I'm so grateful that people actually want me around, even a little bit. I'm so grateful that people are willing to spend their time talking to me, and giving me advice. I'm so grateful because I hardly ever offer anything, because I know depression can cancel any sort of plans I make. I'm grateful because I don't ever expect people to want to hang out with me, so I would never actively engage people in case they feel like they are forced to spend time with me. I'm very grateful, and I'm sorry I can't show it.
Little Things
The toughest part (I think) about having depression is all the little things that normal people do. Things like brushing your teeth, drinking water, taking a shower, regular self care things. It's very easy to think: who cares if I don't brush my hair? Cavemen didn't brush their hair, and they didn't die from that. All these little things lead to a very unhealthy lifestyle that I'm fully aware about.
For me, every little task leads to overthinking. What I do to get myself productive (or as productive as I can be anyway) is to break things down into manageable chunks. For example instead of waking up and thinking, ok, let's go to school. I think: ok, get dressed. Then do your hair. Then do your makeup. Then pack your bag. Then wear your shoes. Then get out the door, etc. For the most part it is helpful but for tasks that are already small, like taking a shower, I break it down to steps like: get the towel, get the shower supplies, check if anyone is in the bathroom, wait for people to leave the bathroom, get in the bathroom and hope nobody knocks on the door, shower and hope there are no bugs or lizards to accidentally crawl on me, etc. This makes a small task super daunting. What if when I go to the bathroom a housemate sees me and starts talking to me? What if when I'm showering somebody really needs to poop and they're knocking on the door non stop? What if someone's washing their clothes and the water is trickling and way too hot? What if? And all these things lead to me sitting there and being weighed down thinking: Is it even worth the effort? Do I care that I showered? Isn't this just for other people's benefit? What's the point?
What's the point. That's the foundation of depression isn't it? Why do we do anything? Everyone dies in the end, whether you're a super successful philanthropic millionaire or a leech, everyone dies and nothing matters. What's the point of going to school? Getting a job? Being successful? Meeting people? Falling in love? In the grand scheme of things what would it affect?
There's no point in trying to convince me of the wonders of life either, I know logically that all these things leads to a state of happiness. It just doesn't motivate me. I don't care that doing these things will make me a happier person, because the process of doing them is making me want to not exist. To me, doing nothing causes the least amount of stress and sadness, and if that's the point of living, why would I actively do things that make me feel worse?
All in all, it's a disease. No amount of talking about it will cure me. I need professional help, I'm aware, but again... help means money and money means work, work means people and work means effort. Effort means wanting to be dead. I interned for 2 months, I wanted to die. So that's that. It's awful, but it is real. I downplay it because I think I'm a wuss for feeling this way. It's getting worse and worse, and I know it. Last month I entertained the thought of suicide and I could see why people do it. I never thought that before, I used to think there was no reason for suicide. I only hope to delay the decline long enough for me to get real help.
There's no need to worry about me, sadly it is an internal struggle. You could shower me with all the encouragement in the world and it will just sit on top of my brain, never sinking in. I just hope people will understand, that I'm not trying to do this, it is actually really, really hard just keeping myself alive, and everything else is a blizzard on top of an earthquake.
For me, every little task leads to overthinking. What I do to get myself productive (or as productive as I can be anyway) is to break things down into manageable chunks. For example instead of waking up and thinking, ok, let's go to school. I think: ok, get dressed. Then do your hair. Then do your makeup. Then pack your bag. Then wear your shoes. Then get out the door, etc. For the most part it is helpful but for tasks that are already small, like taking a shower, I break it down to steps like: get the towel, get the shower supplies, check if anyone is in the bathroom, wait for people to leave the bathroom, get in the bathroom and hope nobody knocks on the door, shower and hope there are no bugs or lizards to accidentally crawl on me, etc. This makes a small task super daunting. What if when I go to the bathroom a housemate sees me and starts talking to me? What if when I'm showering somebody really needs to poop and they're knocking on the door non stop? What if someone's washing their clothes and the water is trickling and way too hot? What if? And all these things lead to me sitting there and being weighed down thinking: Is it even worth the effort? Do I care that I showered? Isn't this just for other people's benefit? What's the point?
What's the point. That's the foundation of depression isn't it? Why do we do anything? Everyone dies in the end, whether you're a super successful philanthropic millionaire or a leech, everyone dies and nothing matters. What's the point of going to school? Getting a job? Being successful? Meeting people? Falling in love? In the grand scheme of things what would it affect?
There's no point in trying to convince me of the wonders of life either, I know logically that all these things leads to a state of happiness. It just doesn't motivate me. I don't care that doing these things will make me a happier person, because the process of doing them is making me want to not exist. To me, doing nothing causes the least amount of stress and sadness, and if that's the point of living, why would I actively do things that make me feel worse?
All in all, it's a disease. No amount of talking about it will cure me. I need professional help, I'm aware, but again... help means money and money means work, work means people and work means effort. Effort means wanting to be dead. I interned for 2 months, I wanted to die. So that's that. It's awful, but it is real. I downplay it because I think I'm a wuss for feeling this way. It's getting worse and worse, and I know it. Last month I entertained the thought of suicide and I could see why people do it. I never thought that before, I used to think there was no reason for suicide. I only hope to delay the decline long enough for me to get real help.
There's no need to worry about me, sadly it is an internal struggle. You could shower me with all the encouragement in the world and it will just sit on top of my brain, never sinking in. I just hope people will understand, that I'm not trying to do this, it is actually really, really hard just keeping myself alive, and everything else is a blizzard on top of an earthquake.
Depression Jokes
I often joke about depression, repost depression jokes, dark humour posts, etc. I know some people find it jarring, or maybe think that I'm making fun of it, but I just want to say: Depression can be a debilitating disease. My life is half of what it could have been, purely because of depression.
A lot of people think that because I'm able to joke about it that it's something I can just brush off or ignore, but really, I struggle to get out of bed every day, not because I'm lazy, but because I wish I didn't have to survive and be alive. I often make jokes about wishing a car will run me over on my way to school, because it would solve so many of my problems. That said, I'm not suicidal (yet, I'm not a psychic), I just want to be visibly crippled, temporary or otherwise. My depression is crippling, but it's not visible. So with a visibly obvious disability, I'd be able to lay down and do nothing with a socially acceptable reason.
I think a lot about that, and why I can't just do that without actually crippling myself, and it's because I'm really prideful. Like REALLY prideful, you don't understand, I will never ask for help ever (in my normal state of mind). So to me, if I were to be treated as a disabled person, my pride would take a hard beating. I'm a physically capable person with a privileged upbringing and a support system, I CAN'T be a burden to society. This is (I think) how I survived this long, just forcing myself to go through the motions, dragging myself to complete the absolute bare minimum because I honestly think that's the most I can do. It is so incredibly difficult. There have been many days where I've just skipped meals because: why bother? And maybe if I skip enough meals I'll get ill enough to be hospitalised, wouldn't that be great?
I'm very logical, I am, and I know depression is messing my brain up, these thoughts don't make sense, and so I eat, at least once a day, and I drink, at least once a day. But it's really hard. So many days where I've dragged myself to get changed, get my makeup on, then just sat there looking in the mirror and thinking: I can't. Not today. Not ever. And it takes so much to pull myself up and walk to class. This makes me late, almost every day, and that adds even more to my guilt. I have no reason to be late, I'm actively worsening everyone's experience by being late. I'm being a burden.
Everybody tells me it's ok, I'm not a burden, I'm not untalented, I'm not the worst, and logically I know that. I know people like having me around most of the time, but just like I know pee is sterile doesn't mean I'm going to treat it like it's water. Bad analogy, but whatever. The point is there's a difference between what I know and what I feel.
I'm going on a tangent here, so I'll stop myself. Thanks for reading.
A lot of people think that because I'm able to joke about it that it's something I can just brush off or ignore, but really, I struggle to get out of bed every day, not because I'm lazy, but because I wish I didn't have to survive and be alive. I often make jokes about wishing a car will run me over on my way to school, because it would solve so many of my problems. That said, I'm not suicidal (yet, I'm not a psychic), I just want to be visibly crippled, temporary or otherwise. My depression is crippling, but it's not visible. So with a visibly obvious disability, I'd be able to lay down and do nothing with a socially acceptable reason.
I think a lot about that, and why I can't just do that without actually crippling myself, and it's because I'm really prideful. Like REALLY prideful, you don't understand, I will never ask for help ever (in my normal state of mind). So to me, if I were to be treated as a disabled person, my pride would take a hard beating. I'm a physically capable person with a privileged upbringing and a support system, I CAN'T be a burden to society. This is (I think) how I survived this long, just forcing myself to go through the motions, dragging myself to complete the absolute bare minimum because I honestly think that's the most I can do. It is so incredibly difficult. There have been many days where I've just skipped meals because: why bother? And maybe if I skip enough meals I'll get ill enough to be hospitalised, wouldn't that be great?
I'm very logical, I am, and I know depression is messing my brain up, these thoughts don't make sense, and so I eat, at least once a day, and I drink, at least once a day. But it's really hard. So many days where I've dragged myself to get changed, get my makeup on, then just sat there looking in the mirror and thinking: I can't. Not today. Not ever. And it takes so much to pull myself up and walk to class. This makes me late, almost every day, and that adds even more to my guilt. I have no reason to be late, I'm actively worsening everyone's experience by being late. I'm being a burden.
Everybody tells me it's ok, I'm not a burden, I'm not untalented, I'm not the worst, and logically I know that. I know people like having me around most of the time, but just like I know pee is sterile doesn't mean I'm going to treat it like it's water. Bad analogy, but whatever. The point is there's a difference between what I know and what I feel.
I'm going on a tangent here, so I'll stop myself. Thanks for reading.
Monday, April 23, 2018
Broadway
For years now I've dreamt of going to a Broadway musical. Just thinking about being at a musical could legit make me burst into tears. I'm tearing up right now. It's at the very tippy top of my bucket list, and it's actually doable. Which means I have to really stand my ground and say I'm definitely going to a musical when my family go to Philadelphia for my cousin's graduation. Not immediate family, aunts and uncles, so it's going to be a big ask, but whatever. I'll just say I'm going to New York for a day, you guys do whatever you've planned without me. I don't know, I think it's reasonable?
I've done my research, down to the cheapest tickets I can get for Anastasia (Digital Lottery or General Rush, both $42/RM163.61) or regular priced tickets at $69/RM268.79. How to get there with the cheapest route as well (trolley then Greyhound for around $13 total). Theater etiquette too, I can bring my camera bag (and only my camera bag) so that I can stow it under the seat. If I choose to buy a regular priced seat, I'd go with the box seats (closer to the stage = better). Plus hey, if someone wanted to go with me (idk who would be interested in Anastasia though honestly) the box seats have 2 seats, fancy. Shows are 2pm and 7pm usually so there's Greyhounds for 1pm and 5pm, both earlier because it's better to be earlier obviously. Plus with a camera and New York, I'm preeeeetty sure I can find something to do.
The next time my family talks about it, I'm going to ask them if I can do this. I'm anticipating a "no it's dangerous", but also, they're the ones asking me to go out more and do more, surely this is a good thing? Agh I can't even deal with even the slightest chance I'd be able to go.
Speaking of travel, I'm lobbying to go to the UK with my brother as well, when he's going there for uni. That one I don't know about for sure, because it's damn expensive AND, he's likely to go with my uncle who has always wanted a boys trip with my brother. He's the favourite in case the UK travel didn't tip you off. He doesn't like it either but eh, it is what it is. So I'm predicting my uncle will be all like "you should let your brother be his own person stop going everywhere he goes", but reputation be damned, this is the UK, I'm going even if it makes me look like the scumbag of the century (budget willing).
I mean, you guys might not know, I was supposed to go study abroad in the UK. Hertfordshire actually. Until my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Threw a wrench in the plans obviously. He was always apologising to me about how he can't pay for me to go to the UK anymore, bla bla bla, but I mean... I didn't really care at that time you know, my dad was dying, nothing else mattered. But hey now that that's done with, I can use it as emotional blackmail can't I? And say that I was the one who was supposed to go to the UK, not you, at the very least let me visit there for a bit, right? I'm trying, my mum hasn't said anything either way, so I'm thinking there's hope.
If I were to go, it would be end of august, and guess what? HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED CHILD. Or maybe just the Harry Potter set tour. Either one, I'd die. Once again, did my research, Reading to London, public transport, etc. I'm hoping against hope that this all works out. I mean ugh imagine... Just the long flights alone have me all excited and giddy. I freaking looooove plane rides, people think I'm insane but yeah, it's just absolutely fantastic.
I'd love to travel. I've never done it, but I just know I'm going to love it. And I'm going to do impulsively stupid things, I'm sure of it. I do impulsive things when there's nobody around to see the consequences, and travelling is like the best place for that. Ugh I can't wait. I will combust.
The thing about excitement, obviously, is the crushing disappointment one will feel when it doesn't happen. And it probably won't. Sadly. This is a defense mechanism obviously, expect the worst and hope for the best. But for something like this... It will still sting. I can cry thinking about it. I can cry about anything though, I'm a crybaby.
I've done my research, down to the cheapest tickets I can get for Anastasia (Digital Lottery or General Rush, both $42/RM163.61) or regular priced tickets at $69/RM268.79. How to get there with the cheapest route as well (trolley then Greyhound for around $13 total). Theater etiquette too, I can bring my camera bag (and only my camera bag) so that I can stow it under the seat. If I choose to buy a regular priced seat, I'd go with the box seats (closer to the stage = better). Plus hey, if someone wanted to go with me (idk who would be interested in Anastasia though honestly) the box seats have 2 seats, fancy. Shows are 2pm and 7pm usually so there's Greyhounds for 1pm and 5pm, both earlier because it's better to be earlier obviously. Plus with a camera and New York, I'm preeeeetty sure I can find something to do.
The next time my family talks about it, I'm going to ask them if I can do this. I'm anticipating a "no it's dangerous", but also, they're the ones asking me to go out more and do more, surely this is a good thing? Agh I can't even deal with even the slightest chance I'd be able to go.
Speaking of travel, I'm lobbying to go to the UK with my brother as well, when he's going there for uni. That one I don't know about for sure, because it's damn expensive AND, he's likely to go with my uncle who has always wanted a boys trip with my brother. He's the favourite in case the UK travel didn't tip you off. He doesn't like it either but eh, it is what it is. So I'm predicting my uncle will be all like "you should let your brother be his own person stop going everywhere he goes", but reputation be damned, this is the UK, I'm going even if it makes me look like the scumbag of the century (budget willing).
I mean, you guys might not know, I was supposed to go study abroad in the UK. Hertfordshire actually. Until my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Threw a wrench in the plans obviously. He was always apologising to me about how he can't pay for me to go to the UK anymore, bla bla bla, but I mean... I didn't really care at that time you know, my dad was dying, nothing else mattered. But hey now that that's done with, I can use it as emotional blackmail can't I? And say that I was the one who was supposed to go to the UK, not you, at the very least let me visit there for a bit, right? I'm trying, my mum hasn't said anything either way, so I'm thinking there's hope.
If I were to go, it would be end of august, and guess what? HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED CHILD. Or maybe just the Harry Potter set tour. Either one, I'd die. Once again, did my research, Reading to London, public transport, etc. I'm hoping against hope that this all works out. I mean ugh imagine... Just the long flights alone have me all excited and giddy. I freaking looooove plane rides, people think I'm insane but yeah, it's just absolutely fantastic.
I'd love to travel. I've never done it, but I just know I'm going to love it. And I'm going to do impulsively stupid things, I'm sure of it. I do impulsive things when there's nobody around to see the consequences, and travelling is like the best place for that. Ugh I can't wait. I will combust.
The thing about excitement, obviously, is the crushing disappointment one will feel when it doesn't happen. And it probably won't. Sadly. This is a defense mechanism obviously, expect the worst and hope for the best. But for something like this... It will still sting. I can cry thinking about it. I can cry about anything though, I'm a crybaby.
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Terrible Dreams
I often have incredibly vivid dreams that cause me to wake up and feel as though I haven't slept at all. Today I had that kind of dream. In the dream, my mother had died, and my father (already dead) came back as a ghost or something... I'm not sure, but he came back and he was weak and skinny and tired. As if being on earth is taking a lot out of him. He came back because he knew we couldn't handle it, being orphans and taking care of our mother's funeral and stuff.
I found my baby brother, Kiddo, sitting up in bed, having not slept the whole night and I asked him what's wrong and he said... Mum's gone, Dad's not really here, what are we going to do? And I said Dad is here now, let's just appreciate that. He then starts crying, saying "Daddy's here, but he's either busy with mum's funeral or resting, he doesn't play with me at all" which made me feel so sad, because towards the end, Daddy had little to no patience with Kiddo, partly because he was in pain 24/7. So I told Kiddo, let's just go to Mummy and Daddy's room, and we'll see what they're up to.
Dad was in there, laying down, I could see blood on the sheets... Obviously from his colon. But as soon as he saw Kiddo was crying, he sat up, and he said come on, slide down my legs. He used to do that all the time. We'd go to their bedroom at night and he'd play with us until we had to go to sleep, wrap us in blankets and swing us around, giving us piggy back rides or teaching us how to barrel role. But this was weak Daddy. So as Kiddo climbed up on to his lap, I put my arm under his knees to hold them up, just in case. As Kiddo slid down, he started crying again. Saying this can't last forever, he's dead, he can't stay. I said yeah, but there are times when spirits are allowed back on earth for a bit.
As I woke up, I just started bawling my eyes out. I couldn't handle it. I think I'm pretty good about accepting the death, but once in a while I remember or I'll think about how things would be so much different if Dad were still here. I'd be in the UK, I'd be staying in my penthouse, I'd be able to eat whatever I wanted, no matter the price. I'd have someone who would support everything I did, 100%, someone who would encourage me to go travel the world, someone who would be in charge of the family so I didn't have to be. This dream was a manifestation of what I always thought about: If I could've picked a surviving parent, it would've been Dad, not Mum. It's not that I want Mum dead, it's just that clearly, one is better than the other. Even before all this I'd think if they divorced, who would I stay with? And the answer would be Dad, no question.
I cried for 30mins straight, could hardly breath right. it was bad. Really bad. Maybe it's not supposed to hit me so hard, maybe I'm coping with it the wrong way, maybe I shouldn't be trying to ignore it all the time. But it's hard. And I'm still not over it, and I suspect I never will be.
I found my baby brother, Kiddo, sitting up in bed, having not slept the whole night and I asked him what's wrong and he said... Mum's gone, Dad's not really here, what are we going to do? And I said Dad is here now, let's just appreciate that. He then starts crying, saying "Daddy's here, but he's either busy with mum's funeral or resting, he doesn't play with me at all" which made me feel so sad, because towards the end, Daddy had little to no patience with Kiddo, partly because he was in pain 24/7. So I told Kiddo, let's just go to Mummy and Daddy's room, and we'll see what they're up to.
Dad was in there, laying down, I could see blood on the sheets... Obviously from his colon. But as soon as he saw Kiddo was crying, he sat up, and he said come on, slide down my legs. He used to do that all the time. We'd go to their bedroom at night and he'd play with us until we had to go to sleep, wrap us in blankets and swing us around, giving us piggy back rides or teaching us how to barrel role. But this was weak Daddy. So as Kiddo climbed up on to his lap, I put my arm under his knees to hold them up, just in case. As Kiddo slid down, he started crying again. Saying this can't last forever, he's dead, he can't stay. I said yeah, but there are times when spirits are allowed back on earth for a bit.
As I woke up, I just started bawling my eyes out. I couldn't handle it. I think I'm pretty good about accepting the death, but once in a while I remember or I'll think about how things would be so much different if Dad were still here. I'd be in the UK, I'd be staying in my penthouse, I'd be able to eat whatever I wanted, no matter the price. I'd have someone who would support everything I did, 100%, someone who would encourage me to go travel the world, someone who would be in charge of the family so I didn't have to be. This dream was a manifestation of what I always thought about: If I could've picked a surviving parent, it would've been Dad, not Mum. It's not that I want Mum dead, it's just that clearly, one is better than the other. Even before all this I'd think if they divorced, who would I stay with? And the answer would be Dad, no question.
I cried for 30mins straight, could hardly breath right. it was bad. Really bad. Maybe it's not supposed to hit me so hard, maybe I'm coping with it the wrong way, maybe I shouldn't be trying to ignore it all the time. But it's hard. And I'm still not over it, and I suspect I never will be.
Friday, March 23, 2018
Reading
I've just recently got a kindle and oh boy, I forgot how much I loved reading. I mean, I LOVED reading. I spent 12 hours a day reading in high school, and I don't think that's an exaggeration, at all. My parents had to confiscate my library card because I read too much. Obviously I just had another one made but still, it was a LOT. My eyesight got so much worse because of the constant reading, I have bad posture from sneak-reading in class all the time, I never went out to eat with my friends because I wanted to stay in class and read. Yeah, it was that bad. Now as soon as I graduated high school, I pretty much stopped reading books. I still read news and reddit and stuff but no books literally since high school. It's BAD. I bought books as if I still read them, and they just sit in my shelf looking all pretty.
So I got the kindle, right as I had 4 hours a day to read (see previous post) and oh boy, the time just flew on by. Like I literally didn't notice that 2 hours were gone, just like the old days. I haven't read in effectively 4 years, and now I'm reading an average book and I'm already blown away. This kindle, (though expensive) has to be the best purchase I've ever made. It's amazing, I love it, and I'm sad I didn't get it sooner. Maybe with dad's money instead of mine (jk).
If anybody wants to get back into reading, kindle is the way to go. It looks like actual paper, not a screen, at all. And it lights up, unlike a real book, which means reading at night! If you're a person who jumps around books (you monster), then you don't have to carry all those books with you wherever you go. Plus, you get free books to read, so if you think about it, it kind of returns the cost of it.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I'm a big big fan, and I look forward to catching up on everything I've missed.
So I got the kindle, right as I had 4 hours a day to read (see previous post) and oh boy, the time just flew on by. Like I literally didn't notice that 2 hours were gone, just like the old days. I haven't read in effectively 4 years, and now I'm reading an average book and I'm already blown away. This kindle, (though expensive) has to be the best purchase I've ever made. It's amazing, I love it, and I'm sad I didn't get it sooner. Maybe with dad's money instead of mine (jk).
If anybody wants to get back into reading, kindle is the way to go. It looks like actual paper, not a screen, at all. And it lights up, unlike a real book, which means reading at night! If you're a person who jumps around books (you monster), then you don't have to carry all those books with you wherever you go. Plus, you get free books to read, so if you think about it, it kind of returns the cost of it.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I'm a big big fan, and I look forward to catching up on everything I've missed.
Friday, February 2, 2018
Inclusion
Let me set up the scene. Our class was tasked to do a swatchbook for a paper company, as such, we needed to order whatever paper we needed from the company, and so I did, I placed an order by myself, as soon as I confirmed what I wanted. After the fact, a couple of other classmates also placed orders by themselves, following my example, none of us really thinking twice about it. Now, after this, the class decided: Hey, why don't we make a form and we can all fill in our orders? Then we can order it together! I thought: Eh, this didn't involve me, they ordered without asking me for the test print anyway, they won't miss me now. The order was placed today, and some papers were out of stock. Tons of phone calls and messages on multiple phones to sort out everyone's individual orders, a problem that could have been solved so easily if they were to have ordered individually.
Now here comes the problem. Apparently, I was being SELFISH for ordering without them. Apparently, being an autonomous human being with free will is too much of an ask for them. APPARENTLY, being in the same class meant I had to be part of their morphed hybrid of a monstrosity. I was asked in class why I ordered alone, and why I didn't ask them, and I replied that I ordered alone for my test print as well, and that this didn't concern the whole class, just me and my timetable. I thought it was a flippant observation, turns out she was greatly offended by my exclusion. Why? Do you not have fingers? Can you not place a simple order? Why must things be done as a group? What would you do if left alone without instructions? Stand and die of thirst because nobody said "Let's go have a drink"?
My god, how entitled are you to want others to go along with your schedule? How entitled would I be if I asked everyone to order when I wanted to order? Or maybe that wasn't the point, maybe the point was why didn't I ask you if you wanted to order with me? Well the answer is: Why would I? Do you need the whole class to be able to press the send email button? Are you that lazy that ordering your own paper would cause you that many problems?
Another thing is: Selfishness. How in god's green earth am I taking anything away from you by ordering my own god damn paper? How is that selfish in any way shape or form? Are you crippled and can't order your paper? Ok, my bad for not helping you order. Are you stuck in an internetless hole? Ok, my bad for not helping you send the order email. Wait, you mean you're perfectly capable of sending emails and receiving phone calls? WELL BLOODY DO IT THEN YA NONCE. It's not like we set up a secret paper ordering club and excluded you and you alone, we INDIVIDUALLY ordered papers for OURSELVES, it just so happened to be before the group order. IF YOU WANTED THE PAPER EARLIER YOU SHOULD HAVE ORDERED EARLIER.
I'm repeating myself but it's because I just can't get over how STUPID and ENTITLED you are to call me SELFISH for doing something that doesn't affect you in any way shape or form. I don't want to delay my paper ordering process by including 10 other people. My bad. Ugh. You're all so juvenile. Selfish, really? Hello pot, meet kettle.
Now here comes the problem. Apparently, I was being SELFISH for ordering without them. Apparently, being an autonomous human being with free will is too much of an ask for them. APPARENTLY, being in the same class meant I had to be part of their morphed hybrid of a monstrosity. I was asked in class why I ordered alone, and why I didn't ask them, and I replied that I ordered alone for my test print as well, and that this didn't concern the whole class, just me and my timetable. I thought it was a flippant observation, turns out she was greatly offended by my exclusion. Why? Do you not have fingers? Can you not place a simple order? Why must things be done as a group? What would you do if left alone without instructions? Stand and die of thirst because nobody said "Let's go have a drink"?
My god, how entitled are you to want others to go along with your schedule? How entitled would I be if I asked everyone to order when I wanted to order? Or maybe that wasn't the point, maybe the point was why didn't I ask you if you wanted to order with me? Well the answer is: Why would I? Do you need the whole class to be able to press the send email button? Are you that lazy that ordering your own paper would cause you that many problems?
Another thing is: Selfishness. How in god's green earth am I taking anything away from you by ordering my own god damn paper? How is that selfish in any way shape or form? Are you crippled and can't order your paper? Ok, my bad for not helping you order. Are you stuck in an internetless hole? Ok, my bad for not helping you send the order email. Wait, you mean you're perfectly capable of sending emails and receiving phone calls? WELL BLOODY DO IT THEN YA NONCE. It's not like we set up a secret paper ordering club and excluded you and you alone, we INDIVIDUALLY ordered papers for OURSELVES, it just so happened to be before the group order. IF YOU WANTED THE PAPER EARLIER YOU SHOULD HAVE ORDERED EARLIER.
I'm repeating myself but it's because I just can't get over how STUPID and ENTITLED you are to call me SELFISH for doing something that doesn't affect you in any way shape or form. I don't want to delay my paper ordering process by including 10 other people. My bad. Ugh. You're all so juvenile. Selfish, really? Hello pot, meet kettle.
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