Depression Jokes

          I often joke about depression, repost depression jokes, dark humour posts, etc. I know some people find it jarring, or maybe think that I'm making fun of it, but I just want to say: Depression can be a debilitating disease. My life is half of what it could have been, purely because of depression.

          A lot of people think that because I'm able to joke about it that it's something I can just brush off or ignore, but really, I struggle to get out of bed every day, not because I'm lazy, but because I wish I didn't have to survive and be alive. I often make jokes about wishing a car will run me over on my way to school, because it would solve so many of my problems. That said, I'm not suicidal (yet, I'm not a psychic), I just want to be visibly crippled, temporary or otherwise. My depression is crippling, but it's not visible. So with a visibly obvious disability, I'd be able to lay down and do nothing with a socially acceptable reason.

          I think a lot about that, and why I can't just do that without actually crippling myself, and it's because I'm really prideful. Like REALLY prideful, you don't understand, I will never ask for help ever (in my normal state of mind). So to me, if I were to be treated as a disabled person, my pride would take a hard beating. I'm a physically capable person with a privileged upbringing and a support system, I CAN'T be a burden to society. This is (I think) how I survived this long, just forcing myself to go through the motions, dragging myself to complete the absolute bare minimum because I honestly think that's the most I can do. It is so incredibly difficult. There have been many days where I've just skipped meals because: why bother? And maybe if I skip enough meals I'll get ill enough to be hospitalised, wouldn't that be great?

          I'm very logical, I am, and I know depression is messing my brain up, these thoughts don't make sense, and so I eat, at least once a day, and I drink, at least once a day. But it's really hard. So many days where I've dragged myself to get changed, get my makeup on, then just sat there looking in the mirror and thinking: I can't. Not today. Not ever. And it takes so much to pull myself up and walk to class. This makes me late, almost every day, and that adds even more to my guilt. I have no reason to be late, I'm actively worsening everyone's experience by being late. I'm being a burden.

          Everybody tells me it's ok, I'm not a burden, I'm not untalented, I'm not the worst, and logically I know that. I know people like having me around most of the time, but just like I know pee is sterile doesn't mean I'm going to treat it like it's water. Bad analogy, but whatever. The point is there's a difference between what I know and what I feel.

          I'm going on a tangent here, so I'll stop myself. Thanks for reading.